It's time for healing - It's time for the nitty gritty

So people always ask us what does our band name mean? Why did you add 'real' to a strange latin word that you purposefully chose to miss-pronounce? Good question. Well I can honestly say it's because of our desire to be genuine with each other and the people we hope to affect with our music. To let people know we don't have it all figured out, but that we rely on God's grace to survive - particularly when it's not easy. Not a small task really, but something we try hard to do no less. So these little blogs have been setup with the idea of being a place for anyone who cares to stop by and be entertained, maybe encouraged, but I don't think any of us thought of it as being a space to be completely 'real.' Maybe that's was just me, and maybe this is where it all starts.

So I unexpectedly discovered today how long you can go without talking to someone you've loved dearly. Someone I've loved my entire life. For me at least - that time was 3 months and 26 days. I never really let on to many people on the outside, but my Grandmother, Martha Rohman passed away on October 9th, 2007. She wasn't terribly old and she definitely never acted like it. She enjoyed a lot of un-grandmother like things like cool cars, hip gadgets, and good music. She really liked the beatles, sheryl crow, some johnny cash, and a band called sanctus real. She bought us our first van, our first nice trailer, and helped me purchase various gizmos and guitars along the way.

Our pastor this week started a month-long series called 'it is well with my soul.' For the past few months I've felt like I've been walking around without a limb or something. Nice timing huh? Although I wouldn't have minded chopping off my left leg because of problems I've had with a slipped disc and my sciatic nerve. It was actually today that I went to the Hospital for a simple procedure to have a needle shot up the base of my spine to apply a healthy dose of steroid between my 4th and 5th vertebrae. I've been very fortunate my whole life to have never had any major surgeries or sickness - so to be laying in a hospital room all by myself in a gown with a cold i.v. in the back of my hand was a strange feeling. The last time I had really been in a room like this was the night my grandma passed away. So there was a bit on my mind and I can't say I was really looking forward to this whole ordeal. I guess I can thank my bad posture and my les paul for being here though. Eventually it was time and I got up and was wheeled into the room where I was to lay on my stomach and pretend like I wasn't scared. I could hear the heart monitor beating frantically so there wasn't any real way to hide it. They asked if it was my first time, I said yes and they said 'oh we can tell... it's that whole fear of the unknown that's getting you huh?' I guess they were right - the whole procedure took all of 2 minutes and I was out of there eating a muffin and sipping on juice like nothing even happened. The rest of my day was great and fairly normal, but then tonight as I was looking through some files on my laptop it hit me. I saw some pictures of that familiar but not recently seen smile and was thinking about a letter I had just received from the nursing home facility about a candle lighting service they'll be having while I'm out of town for some unequivocal record promo stuff. I lost it, and I lost it hard. I hadn't cried this much that night I was with her, but for some reason I finally felt the release and it had to be brought out of me. I lost all control for a good while - I couldn't formulate any words and I probably should have passed out there on the floor.

So, back to the sermon from this Sunday.... Talking about "soul health." I guess there in church I prayed that God would do a work in me to shake off some things - I wasn't sure exactly what, but there was this knowledge there that I had been holding in some issues and because of that my heart had been numbed . Some things that had prevented me from feeling healthy in my soul. Things that had stopped me from really feeling like I could come to Christ and ask for some help. The pastor started speaking on how true health in your soul is a gift for everyone though, and that the only reason we can have this is because we are made right in God's sight by the blood of Christ. (romans 5:1-11) It might have been the first time in a looong time that I grasped that idea and really allowed it to happen. It wasn't like a huge ordeal - there were no tears involved at that moment. It was just a time to be honest and genuinely 'real.' After the service I walked out and was about to get out the door before someone stopped me. It was a friend of mine, a woman who constantly prays for me and the guys and comes to our shows when she can. She quickly gave me a hug and just as quickly slipped me a picture of myself that she had been holding on to since July. For no particular reason - she just felt like taking it to church and giving it to me that day. First of all I generally dislike 99% of pictures I'm in - and probably almost 100% of pictures that involve any kind of big zoomed-in lens. This was one of those pictures - I gave it a brief look and instantly thought - oh man I probably look terrible. As we spoke for a minute I began to look it over though and it was actually kinda neat, well... really neat. I had my favorite guitar held perfectly high, my eyes were closed, and I was smiling and singing at the same time into the microphone. I looked unbelievably happy. You could kind of make-out some green foliage in the distance and then I realized this was a picture taken at the very last show my grandma was able to attend last year. I think I almost lost it there in the foyer - but there was way too many people around. But how crazy was it to receive this picture of myself in a state of what looks like nothing less than pure joy and happiness, and then to think back to that day and remember the main reason I felt that way - because I knew then God had blessed me with one more special moment where I could look over to the side of the stage and see grandma giving me the thumbs up. So to me it was pretty evident God was already answering my prayer and beginning to show me that He's going to love me enough so that I could get back to that place. Today was definitely the biggest step in all of it.

Maybe the reason I'm up at 4 am writing is because of the steroids. But I really think it's for someone else to understand it's ok to be real with God about your heart and soul situation. It's OK to cry out to Him. That's what he wants actually - is for us to be so real with him that we can hardly speak anymore. There's no other way to get to a place of healing. I catch myself when I talk to people or do interviews not to sound too cliche and not to quote many of our song lyrics - I guess I'm way too self-concious... and that probably needs to change too. But, I'm getting excited all over again for people to hear the message on this new record. I look back and think about the songs my grandma was able to hear and how much she loved them and the stories they tell and how she thought they would encourage people.

When it came time to finalize the album artwork I was asked if I wanted to have a special note to dedicate the recording to my grandma. I actually said no. Almost in a defiant, pre-thought out way. I think because (A) I'm kind of weird (B) it didn't feel like the right timing for me yet, and (C) it's too small of a thing to dedicate to such an amazing person. But aren't those the same things God deals with in us? The things that stand in the way of coming to Him so that we can live a fulfilled life and have a healthy soul? To lift up what seems to be a small thing, even when we don't think it's the right timing - or we feel too self-aware, so that he can begin the massive overhaul that unbeknownst to us really needs to take place? Today can be the day that starts - today is the day I'm dedicating the new cd to my Grandma Martha - even though in my heart I know I'm dedicating a lot more than just that.



"It’s time for healing, time to move on, it’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong; it’s time to find my way to where I belong

There’s a wave that’s crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace
And it’s hard surrender to what I can’t see, but I’m giving in to something heavenly..."