Forgiven

It's been a little while since a post, I'm not really sure anyone checks this thing anyways ;) Well, here goes... I'm home at the moment. Last week we drove halfway across the country - all the way to Montana and Wyoming and back. It was a crazy trip really, exhausting for an old guy like me. The trip really put our bus to the test too. Sub zero temps, running 24+hours straight, and then turning right around to come home. Everything seemed fine all the way to Billings, and even down to Wyoming where the temp got down to zero. But then once the temp settled down near -15 we started to have problems that prevented us from making it home after the last show. Tired and stuck in a small town in Wyoming we weren't really sure what to do. Having stopped at a gas station about 40 minutes into our return trip home we noticed that the front of the bus was sitting super low. Buses like ours have an incredible air system - and by air I don't mean like AC. The air that is required for the air ride suspension, is the same air that is used for the braking system and to park the bus among other things. It's so important in fact, that there are two systems really, one being an auxiliary system just in case the primary goes out. Now you might be saying, "chris, aren't you just a guy in the band, shouldn't you be more worried about guitar-related things and not about the mechanical workings of a bus?" Well yeah that's a good point. And I can't really say I wish that were true because deep down I love this kind of stuff. I enjoy being the guy that has the privilege of getting to the bottom of such problems and then making it all work again. I have some good support from the guys too. So back to Wyoming... We barely had enough clearance between the tires and the wheel wells by the time we were done fueling to even make a mild turn and park the thing over night. Having done so in the nick of time we decided to just let it sit and deal with it in the morning. Well I awoke to the lovely smell of diesel fumes and -15 degree weather at about 6am. The bus was now sitting even lower and the engine was doing its' best to stay alive in the frigid weather. Long story short, some great guys that had helped with the show the night before came by later that morning and brought some portable diesel heaters and a tarp. We aimed the heaters at the frozen air lines and sure enough in no time the bus began to rise to its' normal level. They helped us get it down the road to a shop where they even took care of our bill! Wow - we couldn't believe it. We were back on the road that evening and made it all the way home in about 24 hours thanks to some amazingly generous people in Wright, Wyoming.

So here I am at home after all that has transpired and I'm still feeling fairly shocked because now a diesel mechanic friend of ours here in town put a new compressor on the bus for us basically free of charge. I'm thinking wow God is pretty awesome. But low and behold right when the bus is suppose to leave town tonight to do a run with some friends of ours for the weekend - boom! the bus springs a massive transmission leak. Literally transmission fluid everywhere just a few hours before our driver was going to take the bus out tonight. It's cold here in our home town as well, not nearly Wyoming temps, but close enough to not feel the difference. So needless to say I'm bummed, our driver is bummed, the other band is bummed. I'm left trying to figure out how to tow the thing to a 24hr shop, but hear that the other band found a backup bus and we're off the hook for the night. I deserted the bus and came home - which is where I sit now.

So I'm thinking 'why does all this stuff happen?' Even in the midst of God's grace in the other mechanical situations It's still my nature to feel bummed out in the here and now. We've definitely been through somewhat of a tough time lately just as many people have with their finances and trying to figure out how to pay for things like this... you know sanctus real isn't as popular as miley cyrus (sarcasm), and to be honest there has been a lack of shows lately and a lack of income because of it. There have been some serious sacrifices we've made this year to keep this thing going and to be honest a lot of questions being asked as to how to push forward in a way that makes the most sense. I'd be lying if I said we didn't feel insufficient, insecure, or talented enough to continue to make music in an industry that is more competitive than anyone this side of the dial would ever let on. We definitely struggle with feeling 'good enough.' Someone always has a 'better' song or sells more records or has a more successful tour, a better site, a better amp, or cooler merch to sell. I convince myself that that is it - someone always has something better to sell....

So with these thoughts of defeat in my head I sit down now and somehow land on our band website. I start to read stories from our 'Forgiven' page. I guess In the midst of everything else I too easily and all too often forget that after almost 13 years of doing this we actually do have music out there that connects with some people on a heart level. Maybe it connects with them more than me even. And that's when it hits me tonight - reading these stories, that most of these people get 'it' more than I do. By that I mean the grace that comes with Forgiveness. God's desire to cleanse us of everything that separates us from Him is a freedom that these people have found. Though I have not experienced some of the tragedies those that have shared have, I find myself in the same place... desperately needing forgiveness for so many things and ways of thinking. Ways that I have convinced myself I'm not good enough. The habit of overlooking the positive to only see the negative. The lie that I'm suppose to be selling something that's better than what the other guy is selling when all the while I should be pedaling grace.

I'm encouraged by the stories I've read tonight. And I'm not going to worry about the transmission on the bus, or how we're going to pay for it. Or about where our songs sit on the chart, but instead I'm going to be concerned with accepting forgiveness. Most importantly so that I can move on and experience a life more full of grace. A life where I understand that a God that is entirely concerned with our redemption will not let me idle in a state long enough so that I would be unable to accept that redemption.

Isaiah 55:6
Seek God while he's here to be found, pray to him while he's close at hand. Let the wicked abandon their way of life and the evil their way of thinking. Let them come back to God, who is merciful, come back to our God, who is lavish with forgiveness.